I keep starting and stopping. I will feel like I know what to say, and then suddenly it will be all foggy again.
My friend had an abundance of people in her life. So many that she loved, and so many more that loved her. So many more than that who were just the acquaintances we all have: the yoga teacher at the class you take semi-regularly, the counter person at the bagel place who knows your order but maybe not your name.
You never really know how much you meant to someone. Not just in circumstances like these, but in life in general. There’s no easy way to gauge where you sit on the scale of meaning in anyone else’s life, and that’s just the way it is.
I was somewhere in the middle, not her best friend but not the bagel guy. I like to think that, if we had had more time, we’d have been closer but I will never know. I think that is some of what is hardest about this; when she died, a whole chapter that I blindly assumed (and took for granted) would happen one day was erased.
I admired so much about her. She lived her life in the present, which is something I have an extremely hard time doing. Especially now, when the present is so painful. It has hit me hard.
It comes in waves. I will be ok, and able to think of the great things one moment, and will be a sobbing mess the next. Everyone assures me this is normal, and I knew it was going to be tough. But anticipation and reality are rarely in line, and this is no exception.
I hate admitting it, but I am still so angry. It is not a helpful emotion, but it is still there. Yes, I knew that life wasn’t fair before this happened, but this is a blatant, horrifying reminder. Maybe the first time I have a true, informed understanding of how there is no such thing as “fair”.
Last year I very consciously did not make any proclamations or edicts, no big promises of living my life differently. I didn’t want to make any resolution I wasn’t going to be able to keep.
But I am now. Brittney lived life and loved life and appreciated what she had and pursued things that made her happy, and I am going to do the same. No, I’m not going to say that I’m going to make a complete turnaround from being sad in one day. But the thousand mile journey DOES begin with the first step.
Brittney, you are forever in my heart.